Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do birds get mad when other birds sh*t in the bird bath? "Dude what the hell?! That is NOT okay! There's a car RIGHT THERE!"

   If you're going to call your wifi network "Wireless", at least have the courtesy to make the password "password"

   thinks its time to clean out the handbag, I just put it on the passenger seat of my car and the seat belt light came on!

   When someone says, "Facebook is stupid." what they really mean is "I don't know how to use a computer."

   Uh oh...just saw the little devil from my left shoulder drop kick the little angel off my right shoulder a minute ago...this can't be good.

   Apparently, I would rather break my teeth or put a hole in my new shirt than locate a pair of scissors to cut the tag off.

   Seriously folks, only go in the fast lane if you know how to use it. If you have 2 or more cars directly behind you, you obviously aren't using it correctly.

   wishes he could delete people in real life as fast as he can his facebook friends.

   Its funny how sitting "boy girl boy girl" use to be a punishment...

   My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

   I stopped listening somewhere around the third grade.

   If I'm guilty of anything it's loving you too much. Oh and indecent exposure...I suppose trespassing too.

   Every neck tattoo should just say, 'I owe back child support.'

   I was on the exercise bike for almost 30 minutes just now. It was pretty easy. Tomorrow I may even try using the pedals.

   Parents stop excusing your children's bad behavior! If you don't hold them accountable for their words and actions you're creating a$$holes of tomorrow.

   running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?

   I'm going to walmart in a few minutes....does this belt look OK with these sweat pants?

   :Weird how an attractive face is the criteria by which one decides whether to lick the area that someone pees from.

   LIKE if you remember what it was like to take a ton of pictures only to wait a week to find out they were useless.

   Nicki Minaj looks like the type of person who would just squat & take a sh!t in the middle of a busy street, not wipe, & keep on walking.