Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People who spread their germs make me sick.

   When I leave a store without buying anything all I can think is “act natural, you're innocent”.

   Do you ever go on Youtube just to watch a music video and then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?

   HAPPY NEW YEARS EVE: It takes 24,637 BOLTS to put a car together, but only one NUT to spread it all over the road. Don't Drink & Drive! 

   Instead of John I call my bathroom Jim, that way it sounds better when I say I went to the Jim first thing this morning.

   If you're reading this while camping out in front of Walmart. You're a douche bag.

   Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. - The Opportunist

   My math teacher staples Burger King applications on failed tests.

   My wife said that my pen!s closely resembles a Tic Tac. She was proud of her remark until I asked her why her sister still has bad breath then.

   I use to get a little nervous if I saw a policeman in my rearview mirror, these days I feel the same about a Toyota.

   YOUR interest in your own kids: 100% Everybody else's interest in YOUR kids: 0.3%

   just witnessed a guy in a Dominos uniform driving a UPS truck.. This is either grand theft auto or the most epic pizza trade ever.

   I just put child locks on all my cabinets, trash cans and cupboards. Now let's see those kids get out of there.

   had it rough growing up. We was so poor, even our rainbows were black and white...

   If a cop stops me and says "papers" and I say "scissors" do I win?

   curious as to which arm rest in the movie theatre is really yours.

   I slap my own ass when having sex cause I'm that kinky. . . And alone.

   Screw getting an alarm system. I've seen Home Alone, I know what to do.

   Just passed a street sign that said "Slow Children at Play". That's not very nice.

   "Cannot connect to network, try resetting your wireless router." Umm OK but what if my router is in my neighbor's house? Should I call him?