Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just keep telling myself you guys don't have sex either.

   With the way humanity follows directions, I look for a lot of people to need a seeing eye dog soon

   "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine." -Me, singing to my vitamin D supplement.

   Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

   I believe that children are our future... ...it's why I got the vasectomy.

   You can't spell amusement without semen!

   Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone's throat.

   To honor Hugh Heffner, all erections will be at half staff today

   I'm so glad my boss can't hear what I'm thinking.

   *coughs for 5 minutes straight* **checks for abs**

   I stopped eating natural foods when I found out that most people die from natural causes.

   I got caught in the rain once. Apparently you have to bring your own piña coladas. Why don't they tell you these things in advance?

   [first date] she: i'm a cat person me, trying to impress: *pushes her phone off the table*

   I just sung Mariah Carey's "Hero" to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

   Marriage is just your spouse always standing in front of the drawer or cabinet you want to open.

   I have learned to protect myself against identity theft by keeping a low credit score and no money.

   When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

   I'm sorry I'm late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering WTF it was protecting its eyes from

   Old McDonald had a farm. He also had a weird red haired son named Ronald who wore makeup, dropped acid, and talked to hamburgers and purple monsters.

   A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well