Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The self checkout line was invented for a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

   A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing

   When I found out that the sperm bank paid for donations. I realised that I had let a fortune slip through my fingers.

   Wild horses could not drag me away from this lasagna dinner because they lack opposible thumbs and organizational skills

   Questioning me about stupid things like why there’s a wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don't invite people to my house.

   I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.

   Hate when ppl use their zodiac sign to justify sh^tty behavior. Like "sorry I can't help it I'm a Scorpio." No Susan you're just a bi*ch!

   I don't mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It's the coming back home part that bothers me.

   One thing that I have noticed about conspiracy theories is that they all depend on the government perpetrators being endlessly clever. I think you'll find that most government perpetrators are endlessly stupid.

   For now on, should United airlines lose a passengers baggage. That passenger has a right to kick a$$ on one of their employees. . .

   All middle seats on airlines should be filled with dogs. Period.

   Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Except for imitation grape soda; real grapes have never quite gotten over that one..

   character is how you treat those who can do nothing for you!

   If I could have dinner with anyone, alive and dead, no question,,, I would want it to be Schrödinger's cat

   What is the big deal about Cinco De Mayo. I've been drinking my ass off Everydayo of Mayo.

   I'm not trying to brag but I can wear the same size socks today that I did in high school.

   Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you're horny, but can't stand to look at each other !

   I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.

   In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home, ,, The more homeless I look.

   I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.