Funny Status Messages

   Being a nice person is so exhausting, which is why a$$holes always have so much energy.

   People think I'm uncoordinated until they see me get out of a hammock and then they know "uncoordinated" isn't a strong enough word.

   Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

   I don't even think it's possible for a bear to cook porridge.

   "Auld Lang Syne" is too good to save for New Year's — I like to pump that jam in the middle of summer, with the top down

   FYI: THIS IS THE FURTHEST IN HISTORY ANYONE'S EVER GONE!!!

   Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn't have borrowed all that money.

   It's weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.

   Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn't hear you the first 100 times.

   Let's see if there are an emotionally stable women tonight on The Bachelor. Nope, not tonight.

   Pro tip for the ladies: If you're taking a mirror selfie, look at the mirror not your camera...

   That weird moment when you're at a friend's house and they're getting yelled at, so you just stand there and pet the dog....

   I don't know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.

   I could be wrong but I think Kanye West is on the verge of having a Britney 2007 meltdown.

   I have alot of good personality traits,,,,, I just don't happen to have them on me at the moment.

   This is your captain speaking,,, Please fasten your seat belts,,, The Boeing 737 in the gate beside us looks like it wants to race.

   I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

   I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words. “Are you holding that ladder properly?”

   Alex, I'll take 'same sh*t, different day' for $800.00, please.

   Tips on How to fall down the stairs.....Step 1, then Step 2... Step 5 Step 9 Step 12 Finally the Floor