Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This is why the government won’t tell us if aliens are real. You fockers will panic and buy all the tin foil.

   Do people just get up and think about what they can be offended by today?

   Trojan rejected my safe sex slogan today. "Don't kid yourself".

   I wonder if he will put Hillary in jail now?

   Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

   Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.

   What does "prices too low to advertise" mean? Are they afraid if they advertise the price that too many people will want to buy it?

   "Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.

   Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

   I got Jennifer Aniston's autograph! Well, it's on a restraining order but still...

   Not sure what's longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.

   Of all the poop in this world, who decided that bat shyt's the craziest?

   Mom: Clean up your room. We have company coming over for dinner. Me: And we're all going to eat in my room?

   An organization can be famous for being a bad example.

   Nick Foles gets a concussion, wakes up thinking he's Peyton Manning.

   You know all those things you've wanted to do....you should do them!

   I also refuse to turn the beat around........

   Blow jobs are a great last minute gift idea for Valentine's Day.

   1990: call me on the new line in my room 2000: call me on my mobile flip phone 2015: don't call me

   My Life Coach just explained to me that I've been in the placebo group.