Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you want to be a leader with a large following, just obey the speed limit on a winding, two-lane road.

   Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

   beginning to think that this whole "being an adult" thing is not as fun as I had envisioned as a child, except for the alcohol part.

   "AGAIN?!" - Me, every morning.

   I think my upstairs neighbors are shouting about who can stomp the loudest.

   Disinfecting my kitchen right now with the glass of vodka and Red Bull that I just spilled all over the countertop.

   I wish the rest of me was as tan as my left arm

   You could probably torture a woman by duct taping her mouth and making her apply mascara.

   To learn patience, you must wait for a woman to get dressed. But you'll probably need an anger management class first.

   I had so much coffee I made it to work in under 4 minutes but I forgot to bring my car!

   My toddler just grabbed a slice of pizza, folded it like a pro, and took a bite. It was like watching a paternity test come back positive.

   I wish I loved anything as much as people in yogurt commercials love eating yogurt.

   Just how bad do you have to be for someone NOT to remember having sex with you?

   I'm single by choice. Not MY choice, but it's still a choice.

   My wife said "Good morning " and that's how the fight started.

   If you dance like no one's watching you, you will never get laid.

   Doesn't like being told what to do unless he is naked

   n't it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don't know what ironic means.

   If you're worried about peeing on your necktie, then the answer is yes,,, you've tied it wrong.

   "Is that one of them porn machines?" - My grandpa, whenever he sees an iPad