Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   War is God’s way of teaching us geography.

   If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.

   Friends are like boobs: some are real, and some are fake.

   Was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.

   Dog: You know that feeling you get when you do something wrong and you feel so bad about it that you can’t think of anything else for the rest of the day? Cat: no.

   I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.

   The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

   Hey, how long has it been? Not long enough.

   The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

   Don’t take your kids to Disney World this summer, they don’t deserve your money or your support.

   Of course God knows about the bad things that happen. But, unlike lefticles, he has to be invited to intervene in your life.

   When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

   My tongue itches, can I scratch it on your baby maker?

   Got up at 5am, 8 mile run completed, made a vegetable smoothie for breakfast…. Can’t remember the rest of the dream.

   A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

   I see…. and is the “Orange Man” in the room with us right now?

   Joe: Everyone wants to half sax with me. Staff: That’s not what FJB means.

   Biden: “Your hair smells good.” Chewbacca: wtf???

   If I went to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn’t at work.

   Stop calling yourself hot; the only thing you turn on is the microwave.