Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?

   Just watched a girl choke on her food and this can only mean one thing, she forgot to take a picture of it first and post it on her FB wall.

   If getting into heaven is based on how many times you have tried to close the elevator door before someone else gets on, I am screwed.

   I just invented a cell phone that looks like a beer can. Now all you idiots can look cool when you take your picture in a mirror

   I can’t be what you want. I’m too busy being what I want.

   you know your getting old when you hurt yourself sleeping

   Party in my snowfort at 7pm. BYOB, no coolers needed.

   Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?

   The part of "no" that I don't understand is the part where I don't get what I want.

   you ever have a conversation with someone and think...If only your family tree had a few more branches, this conversation wouldn't be so painful...

   Breaking News: U.S. Terror Alert Level is now raised to “Confetti”

   Dear Mr. Chip bag thank you for telling me that 23 peices equal one serving. However, I need clarification on the exact size of your standard chip. Perhaps a life size picture on the bag would help.

   You remind me of those kids in elementary school who would put their mouth against the faucet when drinking out of the water fountain.

   After the Rapture, can I have your car?

   I don't know if this guy standing next to me is drunk or just a doofus, but be has his phone against his ear and it's on speaker!

   There are two types of people I hate in this world: Nosey people AND people who won't tell me what the hell is going on in their lives.

   It's going to take a lot more than a few “LIKES” on my Facebook page to make me forget what an ass you were in high school.

   When everything else fails... you always have delusion.

   I'm like your virginity, Once i'm gone, you ain't getting me back.

   That inopportune moment when you notice the "For a good time call" # on the bathroom wall is your girlfriend's cell #.