Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We didn't take a video recording of our child's birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.

   CNN Breaking news: Grand Canyon is closed, please don't look if you are driving or flying through.....

   Just watched a guy in a shirt that read "Jedi I am" trip on a curb and fall. Jedi you are not sir

   I Just watched guy put a wheel barrow in his shopping cart at the Home Depot.... *I'm just going to let that sit here and sink in.*

   So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news' annual turkey fryer accident story?

   California announced that Marijuana Dispensaries will be closing! Do they realize the dramatic impact this will have on the economy. Sales of Funyons, 7-11 Burritos, Visine, and all other junk food are going to plummet!!!

   Nothing more awkward then being 10 minutes into a porno and realizing there's no girls in it...

   I just heard a woodpecker call me a 'paranoid old weirdo' in morse code.

   Stumbled into bed late last night. "You're drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."

   I have no problem with you speaking your mind,,, as long as you can do it with your mouth closed.

   I'm the most responsible person I know. Whenever anything goes wrong, I'm responsible.

   When I say, "No problem," I mean, "YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOUR FOREVER."

   October 13th is No Bra Day!?!?!? it's everyday for me when I get home from work!

   Have you ever heard of the theory that if you smell an onion while chewing an apple that it taste like an onion?words of wisdom, don't chew gum in the bathroom.

   Homeless people have been known to step outside the box.

   I rate that sharks circle before attacking because humans taste better without sh*t in them.

   Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume...

   Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your a$$hole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

   Day 1. I am thankful that I haven't fallen into the trap of Facebook thankful status updates.

   When I go pick up my friends I tell them that 'im here' when I'm 5 minutes away so I'm only waiting 2 minutes in the driveway