Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today is our 9 years anniversary here. Keep em coming folks

   After this we should all invade Mexico and vote for Justin Bieber. See how they like that.

   Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.

   I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

   I've decided that throughout the time period starting with Thanksgiving, continuing on to Christmas and ending on New Years Day, the term 'Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."

   Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. Take Beethoven for example, they told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf... but he didn't listen.

   Lots of people out sick today. There's that new virus going around calked Unused Sick Days. Apparently it's very contagious.

   And in other news, Joe Biden claims that 150 million people have died from gun violence in the U.S. since 2007. I suppose that might explain the low unemployment numbers right now.

   I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!

   It’s amazing how fast your mood can change after you step in some water with socks on.

   Twerking is great for working out your legs and daddy issues at the same time

   I miss the life I planned in my head.

   Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.

   One of my greatest joys is watching a kid bite into a salt n' vinegar chip for the very first time.

   Your check a$$hole light is on.

   Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?

   I hate it when chicks wear pink camo.I'm like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?

   I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?

   I'm pretty sure the New Jersey state bird is just a middle finger.

   I don't want an Amazon Echo because I don't need another thing in my house that talks back to me...