Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
10 should be the limit of how many times you can go on Maury looking for your baby daddy... just sayin' 
A concussion? A broken hand? There has to be a PETA member somewhere with a Mike Vick voodoo doll
Bus drivers inwardly laugh at you when they drop you off in the rain.
My ex-wife says that she will dance on my grave. I've now arranged to be buried at sea
Charlie Sheen interview tonight on 20/20...I'm going to get drunk and watch it, it'll make more sense that way.
“Come on, dude. Grow a pear.” - farmer to a barren tree
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
The human body is 80% water, so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Back in my day recess was where they sent us to play on a rusty death trap and now kids can't eat gluten.
To everyone who posts a second comment to correct your first comment, you know what edit means, right??
I think a UPS truck, is like the adult version of an ice cream truck.
Hi you've reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn't be done over text
My mom told me she had Five Guys for lunch today."
Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
Recommended doses aren't the boss of me.
Facebook: A place where people, who know so little about anything, have so much to say about everything.
♪ ♫ ♩ ♬...Oh the weather outside's delightful, the balance in my account is frightful, what happened to all my dough, I dunno, I dunno, I dunnnnoooooo...♪ ♫ ♩ ♬
My New Year's resolution is to announce a bunch of grandiose plans & changes I want to make for the new year, but then seamlessly slide into the same destructive patterns that have kept me suppressed in a life of mediocrity for as long as I can remember.
Doing yoga has given me more respect for all the positions I've put women in.
It's like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me. 