Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just back from holiday in Thailand and l came so close to shagging a ladyboy. Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady! It was when she drove me to her place and reversed her car into a space first time l thought hang on!

   Kia recalls 146,000 US vehicles - there are gonna be a LOT of angry hamsters!

   NO, you don't have “haters”. People just don't like you. Get over yourself.

   I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don't think they're ugly or something.

   The McRib is like an exgirlfriend visiting, you know you probably shouldn't do it, but hey, it's back for a limited time.

   So. I don't see you for months and now you pop up and expect me to take care of you?? OK, fine. I'll start up the mower....stupid grass...

   How big are headphones going to get before we just start to wear helmets with subwoofers inside them?

   Pregnant women look so happy. It's like they don't even know what's going to happen.

   Anyone who says you can't judge a book by its cover hasn't seen the cover of “The Big Book of Huge Breasts”.

   "You are so rude!" moaned my wife. "The whole time I was talking you were yawning!" "I was not yawning. I was trying to say something."

   I'm always very flattered and humbled when I get an invitation on facebook from someone I don't know, to attend something I never heard of, along with about 12,000 other people.

   Royal baby was born at 8 pounds. Thats like 12 dollars.

   How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.

   I think Congress should be forced to go on minimum wage. That way I can feel more comfortable calling them public servants!

   Just bought 2 donuts without sprinkles... Diets are hard ツ

   * Walk in jury duty.... * Hand both lawyers a copy of my latest status updates..... * Walk out of jury duty....

   I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat...

   "Putting a load in the dishwasher" has different meanings depending on whether you're married or not.

   You're annoying, but honestly, I've been annoyed by better.

   My kid is almost old enough for social media, so we'll need to have "the talk" soon. You know, about your/you're and there/their/they're.