Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you workout and don't post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?

   The 5-second rule should also apply to anything a guy says to a woman. If she looks like she is getting angry, we have 5-seconds to take it back.

   Remember when the only hatred that existed here was directed at Nickelback? Good times.

   I tried to keep up with the Kardashians but now it burns when I pee

   To all you single ladies out there, as winter slowly approaches I am offering you a good high quality man blanket for this winter. Claim me now while supplies last. . .

   I can't help but feel important when someone says there's a special place in hell for people like me.

   Expecting your guy to be romantic all the time is like expecting you to behave like a porn star all the time.

   I tried exercise but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.

   Do what you love, but run like hell as soon as you hear the sirens.

   Box wine? I prefer the term Cardboardeaux.

   My therapist told me I should quit drinking alcohol and caffeine. I laughed and said "Maybe you're the crazy one!!"

   Notice seen outside a Church: Please do not leave your Purse/Watch/Handbag/Mobile/Girlfriend/Boyfriend unattended. Others may think it`s an answer to their prayers.

   When men give women roses they expect Tulips in return.

   I wear glasses because I like to dramatically remove them to display anger. It was awkward doing that with contact lenses

   I wish one of the walls in my bedroom was a giant Lite-Brite.

   Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house

   "Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

   Not everyone that comes into your life needs to stay there.

   TIP OF THE DAY: If you can't afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.

   Perspective is everything. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the live lobsters in the ship's galley.