Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   disappointed in his new phone. It promised more bars in more places but all I see are the same old bars and the same old drunks.

   A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

   I don't think I'm ever going to win the lottery.. I can't even pick the pen that works from a choice of two at the lottery stand.

   all I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

   I had a fight with the wife and didn't see her for three days... Then the swelling went down and I could see her out of one eye

   If it werent for the gutter my mind would be homeless!!!

   I'm not at all ashamed to admit that I pick my hotels solely based upon the items they show in the pictures of their continental breakfast.

   One of the best feelings is cutting a person off and then having them do something to reassure you that you made the right decison.

   I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so friggin' heroic.

   It's really hard raising a child by yourself, I don't know how my T.V. does it.

   Ok who was the moron that came up with idea of the kiddie shopping carts shaped like animals,trains, race, cars or whatever! Parents do you really need to push your kids around the store in in a shopping cart bigger then the car you came to the store in!

   I JUST SAW MCDONALDS IS BRINGING BACK THIER "MCRIB" SANDWICH AGAIN. FROM WHAT I REMEMBER AFTER EATING ONE YEARS AGO, I THINK I'm GOING TO CUT OUT THE MIDDLE MAN. I WILL BUY IT AND THEN PUT IT DIRECTLY IN THE TOILET. I WILL SPARE MYSELF THE DISCOMFORT

   My life would make one really good Soap Opera, or at least four really bad country songs.

   Considering the number of paternity tests Maury Povich has on his show, I think he should change the shows name from " The Maury Povich show" to "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?".

   My car heater has two settings: face melting and off.

   Paris Hilton is working on a new CD. I believe this one is called, "And You Thought the First One Sucked".

   Thats the last time I ever sleep with an elementary teacher. I woke up with a great job sticker on my stomach.

   Most popular words spoken by a Pastor today..."Wow ...I haven't seen you since last Easter "

   The only thing worse than finding out you were given up for adoption would be finding out it was Rick Astley who gave you up.

   I keep a xylophone on me at all times,, just incase I have to tip toe anywhere