Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Snooki is going to be hosting WWE raw on monday. Finally, a good match for Hornswoggle

   I just accidentally sat through the commercials of a show recorded on my DVR. Every time I do that, a part of me dies.

   if you are going to write on the dust on my car please dont date it

   It's a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.

   I never make the same mistake twice.... I make it 5 or 6 times just to make sure.

   "Windows is waiting for the program to respond." Funny... So am I.

   There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot.

   loves how my gf calls me on her breaks. Which involves hearing courtesy flushes. Learn to break somewhere else.Thanks.

   Relax. If you didn't want me knocking it over, why the hell did you write "tip jar" on it? Just for that, I'm taking my 15 cents back...

   May the 4th be with you!

   Do you think there's any limit to how many blades they'll put on razors? Like in 2025 there will be the Schick Annihilator 100.

   having an out of money experience

   So I guess the movie 'Armageddon' shows that oil workers are better at destroying asteroids than stopping oil leaks

   Be sure to take the time to honor a soldier today by punching a politician in the face.

   My ceiling fan has two settings... "On" and "S#it, that's dusty."

   Men leave the house thinking someone wants to have sex with them so they pack condoms. Women think the same so they pack mace and a taser.

   What's the difference between complete and finished? When you have a beautiful girlfriend your life is complete, your wife finds out about it you're finished.

   Maury: "Darth Vader, you.... ARE the father." Luke: "Nooooo!"

   People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

   knows why boy scouts don't sell cookies. Because nobody would eat a cookie with 'BS' on it.