Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally, I'm not looking to develop a heart problem.

   Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.

   My daily FB goals - 1) Make someone laugh 2) Make someone smile 3) Make someone shake their head 4) Make someone disgusted 5) P!ss someone off. Not exactly in that order.

   there is a thin line between love and hate....and I'd like to pick up that line and strangle you with it.......

   I love hearing rumors because they tell me things about myself I didn't know before.

   Dear guy who invented taking pictures of yourself in a mirror with a cell phone: Do you see what you've done? I hope you're happy.

   Automatic urinal. Automatic soap dispenser. Automatic hand dryer. Gets rendered useless after you grab the bathroom doors handle.

   Only five shopping days left until the apocalypse!

   I just changed my voicemail greeting: Please hang up and text me.

   The idiot that wrote about the "Porshes and Mexicans" knows how to spell Porsche.

   The phrase “I need to talk to you” has the ability to strike fear into the heart of anyone

   I'm on hold now for 38 minutes... But that's ok.... I'm very important to them...and the best part is they don't get tired of admitting it over and over and over again.

   I like my women like I like my coffee....Ethically purchased from small farming cooperatives in South America and delivered to me on the back of a donkey.

   My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn't illegal to talk in the car while I'm driving.

   I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I'm going back to bed for six weeks.

   ~Alarm~. . snooze. . ~Alarm~. . snooze. . ~Alarm~ *checks time* OMG! CRAP

   Alright look...I'll be honest, those pants make your ass look like your inner child grew up, and decided to invite some friends over...

   don't call me on the phone then after I answer tell me to "hold on a minute". If you do, I will hang up instantly. You called me! If you weren't ready to talk, then you shouldn't have dialed.

   You know that song by Bruno Mars called "Just the Way You Are"? Did you know if you changed that lyric to "Just Get In My Car" it changes from a love song to a really scary stalker song??

   The worst way to miss someone, is to have them sitting right next to you & you know you can never have them.