Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   pumpkin for sale, slightly used

   It's crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won't keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry

   If you hold an empty Old Spice bottle to your ear, you can hear your grandpa complaining that someone touched the thermostat.

   I have Started a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there

   I know it's the 100th year anniversary of Titanic and all that but aren't the Italians going a bit far with their tribute?

   If you watch Godzilla backwards its about a dinosaur who passionately pieces a city back together before moonwalking into the sea.

   FACT: Relationships last longer when everybody doesnt know your business

   People who take pictures of them with tons of money and post them on Facebook…………. have no money.

   The three most read words in the world: I̶ ̶L̶o̶v̶e̶ ̶Y̶o̶u̶ …NO! It's: “Made in China.”

   I don't mind people sneezing in public. It's that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.

   I had to go on two diets because one wasn't giving me enough food.

   This tag on my panties has been tickling my ass all morning, I was gonna cut it off but I'm lonely

   Irony: Getting a girl pregnant on a "pull out" couch.

   I love the word "Allegedly". You can make up anything about anyone without any reprisal... allegedly.

   My first memory was 9 months before I was born. I went to this crazy party with dad and left with mom.

   You know ladies, us guys may not know what its like to have "that time of the month" but we sure have front row seats to it.

   My new years resolution was going to be to turn over a new leaf, but I'd probably just end up smoking that too.

   A buddy of mine just told me he's been getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin...I said, "Wow, how can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a mustache."

   I only date Calendars.

   To hate a person is a waste; half the people you hate don't care, and the other half don't know.