Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At lunch time, I like to park my car on the side of the road with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars.

   I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night.

   To DO: ☑ Get groceries, ☑ Lay around, ☑ Eat stuff, ☑ Be Awesome.

   Did anyone ever think that Charlie Brown could have used some counseling? I mean seriously, the kid was bullied, made fun of, and was bald by the time he was ten!

   For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O Donnell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O Donnell.

   wanted to go for a nature walk in the woods with my ex today, but the shovel wont fit in my backpack :/

   Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.

   Son, when I was your age, our video game were Big dots eating little dots while being chase by others dots who ran when my dot ate a special dot....

   Here's a question: You ever wonder how many REAL friends you had before the whole Facebook, Myspace, & Twitter thing came into existence?.......You're wondering now.

   I've got a time machine. I get in and it takes me seven hours into the future. I call it......a bed.

   I don't think I'll ever reach the age where I'm old enough to know better.

   As a young child my mom told me I could be anybody I wanted to be. Turns out the police call it identity theft.

   The problem with new year's resolutions is that people aim to high, start small like..."I'm not going to fart in church."

   just watched 'Marley and Me'... Sad movie. I won't give it away but lets just say the sequel will just be called... 'Me'.

   I am so happy to hear that curiousity killed the cat. For a while, I was the only suspect..

   So if your invited to someone's 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?

   The Olympians stories are amazing.. The ukrainian whose whole family was killed, the korean who escaped slavery, the american who never had wifi.

   So many girls are in a relationship with single guys.

   I felt sad for this poor guy dressed as The Statue of Liberty in front of Liberty Tax Service...At least he doesn't have it as bad as the Lil' Caesars Pizza Girl. She has to stand there on the roadside holding a sign that says "HOT AND READY 5 DOLLARS!"

   Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”