Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet you $567.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.

   Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!

   If a stranger starts talking to you in an elevator, just say: "I don't want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you" that'll shut 'em up.

   I'm setting my alarm for 3am Friday, so I can wake up, remember I don't give a shit about the royal wedding and go back to sleep

   I love watching two girls meet each other. It's easily the most fake thing I have ever seen.

   I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.

   used the money I saved on my gym membership and bought PhotoShop.

   You ever had a dream so damn good, you were pissed right after you woke up because you didn't want it to end....then you tried to go back to sleep to continue it but failed?

   I was just sexually harassed. Screw a lawsuit. I haven't been this flattered in a while..

   Nice try Folgers... but the best part of waking up is realizing it is your day off and going back to bed.

   I know I'm a few days early but I'll just go ahead and say it, anybody... I mean.. ANYBODY who says "see you next year" on New Years eve to me is getting punched in the face. FYI

   Kim Kardashian is back on the black Market.

   10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.

   "Bros before hoes" sounds like something a bro without a hoe would say.

   I don't make typos...I make new words

   Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.

   My day starts backwards... I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.

   When I die I want to be be reincarnated as a spider. Just so I can finally hear a women say "Oh my God, it's huge!"

   It's depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.

   My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.