Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Space ISIS is coming after us!

   There are 3 unwritten rules fop a good life. #1.........................#2........................ #3.........................

   Moving is so fun, finally found this chloroform, hey does it taste expired to y....

   Going to the Guns 'n Roses concert tonight. I hope the noise doesn't give me cancer tonight.

   In another stunning reversal, Trump announced today that the chocolate cake he was served while bombing Syria was "average, at best."

   Kim Jong Un is fat! It's not because it runs in his family. He's fat because nobody runs in his family.

   I didn't know why everyone was making such a big deal about LGBT. I've been putting guacamole on my BLT for a long time now. I have now problems with it.

   Why are there so many old, retired men in church? They're cramming for the final.

   Dating: Bang her like there's no tomorrow. Married: Bang her like she finally said, "Fine, do what you have to. Just hurry up"

   And for years I thought Pluto was a dog.

   You seem like a nice person, are you lost?

   If I like your posted music vids ..99.9 % I never watched it..Sorry I can not lie...

   Hit the hay. Kick the straw. Bodyslam the alfalfa.

   If you don’t use steroids in the state of Florida, how the hell are you supposed to fight off the escaped pythons?

   Avoiding responsibility one bottle of vodka at a time.

   Me as a doctor: Hey, I get paid whether you can maintain an erection or not buddy. Next!

   Hold on.. Lemme find a pic of me with my clothes on.

   You have 200 pictures of only your face? You must be sooooo thin.

   >>> Upset many will leave the home to go to a retail store where they can fight with complete strangers over unneeded and useless crap that our spoiled lives really didn't need in the first place.

   I heard you have trust issues. That's nice. Get in the damn van.