Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't have an entitlement problem. I have a problem with not getting everything I want out of life.

   My middle finger on each hand has a six pack.......

   if you are feelimg sad and confused just remember that for milions of years, bird were the closest thimg we had to astronauts.

   Chocolate covered raisins are another way to say; "I hate you."

   Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

   I like to play "I Spy" with total strangers and stare at them and say "I spy an idiot"...

   I have so many unfinished jokes in my

   Tonight is "National night out" and i'm home spending it with a bunch of Sharks :(

   I used to flip a "lucky" around in my cigarette pack. Until I realized it's the only cigarette I get drunk and light backwards.

   I don't care when a girl puts me in 'the friend', 'creeper' or 'getting a restraining order against zone'... it's their loss, not mine."

   Ya know, I think Mummies get a bad Wrap.

   If God has a plan for everyone, his plan for me is to push me to the edge every day until I eventually choke myself out with a neck tie.

   Women used to throw their underwear at Elvis Presley. If he were alive today, they'd be throwing their Depends.

   Seriously… The Chick-fil-A drive-through workers could’ve counted these votes by now… and they’d give you a “my pleasure!“ while doing it. 😐

   I know some surfer chicks who started a prostitution ring. They call themselves the Wavy Lays.

   It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming

   Corned beef and cabbage this.

   Not only do we get a new James Bond, but he will now require a Visa to do missions in Europe.

   Reading red meat is bad for you so i'm giving up reading

   America: Diet coke, large pizzas.