Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've decided that I will be a team player when I get paid like a pro athlete.

   While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgment

   it just me or everytime someone says "and one time" you are thinking "at band camp" in the back of your head...

   I can't wait to go home and rip off my ex-girl friend's underwear!! They have been giving me wedgies all day

   hates it when he goes to a Vuvuzela concert and people start playing football...

   Heres a question. If you and your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife switched phones and facebook profile for 24 hrs would you still have a relationship!!!!!

   Just got back from visiting the future, was disapointed you weren't there. Can't go into details, but please stay away from revolving doors, and bean dip.

   Just got a job helping a one arm typist do capital letters. It's shift work.

   Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That's why most of the women put on make up and most of the men lie.

   A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.

   (1)Google Translate (2)Type,"Will Justin Bieber ever hit puberty" (3)Eng 2 Vietnamese (4)Copy/Paste the Vietnamese Words (5)Vietnamese 2 English

   has just read his wife's magazines and there seems to be two topics of major importance to women: .1) Why men are such disgusting pigs and .2) How to attract a man!

   next time someone asks you if you been working hard or hardly working put your hands around their neck, squeeze really tight and say breathing hard or hardly breathing!

   I hate that disapproving look George Washington is giving me on the $1 bill. As if to say "You're making bad choices."

   Sex for Hugh Hefner at his age must be like shooting pool with a rope.

   I hit a coyote with my car on the way to work this morning. I tried to miss it but it was going to fast. It might have had something to do with that ACME rocket strapped to his back

   wondering, how many rich people in Nigeria is there? Cause every day, according to my emails, at least 5 die & want to leave me their money...

   Kinda feels weird when your computer asks if you'd like to continue unprotected....

   Trust is the most important part of a relationship. You must be 100% sure that she wont tell your wife!!!

   The way I feel when a waiter finally brings my food is probably similar to the excitement of a dude on Maury who just got told he's not the father.