Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hopefully Paris Hilton never becomes a vampire. Sure she loves the nightlife, but she'll go nuts not being able to see her refection every 10 minutes.

   Well lets see for Christmas I bought the iPhone,iPad,iTouch.... now iBroke,iHomeless and iRegret...

   If you insist on telling me about the day your child was born, then I insist you also tell me about the night it was conceived.

   Could I borrow your face for Halloween?

   There's no worse feeling than lying next to the person you love and they don't know you love them. Or that you're in their house again.

   If you've ever wondered what it's like to be a parent,, Just go in your kitchen, scatter cheetos and sugar. Then yell Stop,, No,, & Don't 300 times

   I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"

   They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".

   Think women are the weaker sex? Try pulling the blankets back to your side.

   If you're not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever.

   If you don't like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends' pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally take a $hit all by themselves.

   The baby in the car next to me is either unable to control his arms or hes throwing me gang signs. I'm not taking any chances. **Locks Doors**

   Dear Parents: “When your kid starts asking you to knock before entering his room, he has discovered masturbation.”

   Just had a fart that sounded like an unoiled door opening slowly. Made the dog bark.

   Mitt Romney went after Newt Gingrich during last night's debate. In fact, Romney criticized Gingrich so much, Newt made him an honorary ex-wife.

   I like surprises. Not the 'finger in my ass without permission' kind, but flowers are always nice.

   if your religion is worth killing for , please,..... start with yourself

   If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die

   Now if we could just introduce Ebola to ISIS.......

   I put an "EBOLA QUARANTINE" sticker on my front door and now we don't have problems with salesmen, thieves, or neighbors.