Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've social distancing most of my life - now everybody's doing it. Now I'm just waiting for everybody to experiment with autoerotique asphyxiation.

   I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

   I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

   Which wine pairs best with Spicy chicken Ramen ?

   Some drink from fountain of knowledge others just gargle

   If you gonna keep going back to a toxic relationship, deactivate yer social media

   I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.

   I really hate to make you people cry but Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce from Kanye West.

   Waxing my car. God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

   Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet” And not “buyarrhea”

   If you ever see Rick Ross running, call the police.

   you you know when you loose control of the words falling out of your mouth, you should do me a favor and just choke on it

   In life everything has a Yin & a Yang. Without demoralizing Monday mornings, there would be no debaucherous Friday nights.

   clicking her heels......... trying to find her way home.

   Since they are doing 2011 in review on various TV News/Info programs... They showed pictures of Rihanna with Red Hair and a pony-tail. I thought, "Wow, Wendy's Logo just got a New Look"

   Thanks, Phillips Colon Health Lady, for proving there's no need for a healthy diet if we can just eat crap & take a pill.

   Worked out for an hour. Ate two brownies. Somehow I am able to justify this because its Friday...

   I"VE HAD IT UP TO BEER WITH YOU!

   says the scariest thing in the world is to know what a cat is thinking when it stares at you

   You can wake someone who is sleeping but you can't wake up someone pretending to sleep.