Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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I'm voting for the old person who doesn't discriminate against hard candies. 
She calls it "making love." I call it "trying to destroy her."
Perhaps next year's Columbus Day sales would be a 24-hour shoplifting spree.
Every story about edible weed: 1) Not high. 2) Not high. 3) Still not high. 4) Not high. 5) Please drive me to the emergency room.
Wait, I'm confused. Is Pete Burns Dead or Alive? (Too soon?)
Every time I'm put on hold for longer then 10 minutes and a recorded message says "Your call is very important to us!" I cant help but wonder how long I'd have to wait if it wasn't very important?
Bird Box looks exactly like A Quiet Place but instead of covering their mouths, they cover their eyes.
Wait, if monkeys have taught me anything... will the next movie be about people who have to cover their ears?
For Sale. Slightly used Christmas tree. Price negotiable. Can pick up in front of neighbor's house.
I can’t believe I thought this VHS porn collection would be worth a lot of money by now
The best part of Valentine's day, is the next days 50% off sale on the box chocolate candy.
Can you get fired for wearing leather pants to work?
Sorry I can never be serous on facebook as it's just a website that shouldn't be taken too seriously. Like seriously.
My underwear is so old, that my tighty whities are no longer tight or white.
Insanity runs in my family..it practically gallops.
I’m really bad at impressions but I’ll give it a shot: This is my impression of a man that went into a coma in 2014 and woke up in 2019. “Seriously? That dude? Aaand scene.
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call him he won't come to you anyway.
I'm not saying she's easy, but even a claustrophobic person would be okay inside her.
The pollen count is so high math labs are busy trying to turn their math back in to Benadryl
i put my phone on plane mode and then it kicked my ass!
Does Octomom still have those 6 kids. 