Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering how many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

   quit my job in the helium balloon factory... I refuse to be spoken to in that tone

   If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “that's messed up” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help

   Maybe, just maybe, the guy that was in charge of designing the Mayan calendar just died when he got to December 2012 and nobody else felt like continuing it because they were like, "why the hell were we planning that far ahead anyway?".

   For the life of me, I can't understand why small and medium pizzas exist.

   I left a note on my neighbors car asking him to stop parking in front of my house. I couldn't find any paper, so I used my car key instead.

   Calling "shotgun" is great way to lighten the mood when getting in the squad car after the cops arrest you.

   Respect your parents. They made it through high school without google or wikipedia.

   Went to the movies. There must have been 400 people. Most of them were not there to see the movie, but to compete in a popcorn box and chocolate wrapper rustling competition. Others came to cough.

   Your In ur bed, it's 6 AM,u close ur eyes for 5 minutes, it's 7:45. At school, it's 1:30,u close your eyes for 5 minutes,it"s 1:31

   ALERT SENIORS TEXTING CODE……..ATD..At The Doctors. BFF..Best Friend Fell. BTW..Bring the Wheelchair. BYOT..Bring Your Own Teeth

   I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't done a gig yet.

   Dear Wikileaks...where is the fkn video already...Sincerely, USA

   My next door neighbour's battery went in his Smart car today. I had to give him a jump start from my iPod.

   now accepting applications for a Valentine...Requirements as follows : 1) Pulse 2) Female...as the day progresses, requirement #1 may become negotiable...

   Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it's strapped to the top of someone's car.

   Your phone has more computing power now then all of NASA had in 1969. They launched a man into space, we launched angry birds into pigs.

   If I ever get summoned for jury duty, I plan on appearing in the courtroom in a puff of smoke and yelling, "WHO SUMMONED ME?"

   If someone calls you a freak just thank them. Nothing throws people off like a proud, polite freak.

   loves the smell of Friday in the morning, it smells like... WEEKEND.