Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No one told me how much of parenting would be spent standing in my kitchen holding a trombone while naked children run past.

   Shazam but for strangers who recognize you in public.

   “Forgive me Father for I have sinned” and “Sorry Daddy I’ve been bad” both mean very similar things, but have wildly different connotations

   I know French too: Jean val Jean is French for "pants more pants"

   Just had a bowl of generic Frosted Flakes. They’re grrrrrrrr.......okay I guess.

   Mom raised me to believe saying "Shut up" was the worst thing you could say to someone, but I knew I could be so much more

   Not all superheroes wear capes. Some of them tag you in memes.

   With the time difference between the eastcoast and westcoast. When you air travel from east to west. You literally are time traveling to a time that you already experienced.

   Ever wonder if pandas know they're cute?

   The Sentimental Growth Story Me: Can you please grow? Hair: Nah..! Muscle: Nope..!! Salary: Don't even dream..!!! Tummy : Bro, for you anything.

   There was a time when Women used to dress to to impress men these days Women dress to irritate other Women

   Self driving cars are never gonna catch on because of people like this guy who just turned left across 4 lanes of traffic

   Embarrassment: Is when your 6 year old corrects your spelling when you're spelling out a cuss word.

   You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when you're first dating? Well, after 30 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".

   At the bar, someone asked me "what's my angle". I told her "about 30 degrees".

   my credit is so bad, they stopped giving me gift cards.

   First time I’ve been up early for Saturday morning cartoons in awhile.

   I just started a club for people who hate people. I’m the only member. No you can’t join because I hate you.

   You kiss the end, then seductively lick the length without breaking eye contact as you place it in your mouth. I love the way you eat bacon.

   enough already we don’t love you at your that or at your this