Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I put the cute in electrocute.

   I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are

   Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old "gyne and dash."

   1900: Let's filter coffee. 1950: We need to filter cigarettes. 1970: We should really filter water. 2015: I want to filter my face.

   Tell me your dreams and fantasies! Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

   A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

   trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here? me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

   I lost a pound so I’m rewarding myself with 8 pounds of Chinese food.

   When I found out that my neighbour is scared of dogs I bought one And I have never seen him since.

   Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon

   If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

   Wolverine doesn't apologize nearly enough for a dude from Canada.

   My wife asked me for a sonnet. Never knew she liked fancy hats.

   Night clubs during the day is now one of my anxiety triggers....

   I love when I can see a grown adult be happier than a kid in a candy store and the candy is shaped like toys!!!

   You are part of a puzzle in someones life. You may never know where you fit. But, someones life may never be complete without you in it.

   Only while camping can you pee in the middle of the night while staring into the eyes of a bear.

   You're a living oxymoron if you get distracted while driving a Ford Focus.

   I wouldn't descibe myself as ego-centric. I prefer ego-Kentric.

   Nancy Grace is leaving CNN to spend more time exploiting abused minors in the private sector.