Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I know you love me baby. I know. Which is why I got this restraining order on your ass.

   does Life feels heavy and the days are not really what you want? The solution is to look at life as a male dog. if it can not be eaten or fu#ked, so piss on it and move on ...

   "Aww. You shouldn't have" is woman for "if you didn't you better start praying"

   UGH! A co-worker is here with kids and I don't want to talk to them, so I'm trying to look busy. This is the hardest I've worked all week!

   Interesting what people will do for money. Noteworthy what I'll do for free beer.

   Finally, the first snowfall of the season. Now I have a valid reason for blowing through the traffic lights.

   There are two different kind of people in the world, "born" ones and "made" ones.

   Text me first so I know it's real

   The more you just sit there and look at your problem the more it grows.

   Want to save money this Valentine's day? Better get started on ending the relationship you're in.

   I must be cruel only to be kind. Yes, thy rear does look big in that dress.

   Seems like everyday is some kind of cause, appreciation or event day. I think most are made up. Unlike today which is Ladies have sex with (name) day!

   I have an app the reminds me when my garage door is open. Now if I can get one the reminds me when my fly is...

   Next year i'm definitely going to do the Haunted Mill run because if you say it with a strong accent it sounds like you're saying "hundred mile run"

   The only thing in the world you can do with a nick-nack paddy-whack is give a dog a bone.

   ER nurses lose their patience with "I thought it would be funny" after they've heard it four times from one person.

   Finally tossed the old rotary phone. So now I won’t have anything to use for a mafia beat down in 1973.

   (Giving TED talk) Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!... *he does and a mousetrap snaps on his hand*... Me: trust no one *audience claps*

   A wife is like a box of chocolates, you never know which of her multiple moods you're going to get, you just better act like you love it.

   My doctor said he's been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?