Funny Status Messages

   pulled over by the cops and they asked me if I had been drinking. I asked, "Why, is there a fat girl in the back?" He said, "Nope, there's two." I said, "Well, I guess I have!"

   Funny text messages to send! 1. Those innocent eyes, those kissable lips, that beautiful smile, that sexy voice.. anyway enough bout me, how are you;)?

   Roses are red, vi0lets are fine...I'll be the 6, if you be the 9

   Some woman kicked me in the crotch today and now my head is killing me.

   What's the difference between puberty and a water bottle? A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber.

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 42,337 times you must have b00bies

   I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Problem Solved.

   Hey, wanna hear a joke about Nirvana? No? Nevermind."

   ~ Alright everyone put on your Happy Face! It's time for the HAPPY FRIDAY BOOTY SHAKE! (_/_)(_l_)(_\_)(_l_)(_/_)(_\_) Have a great weekend!

   I turned my phone onto "Airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

   A man sees her, he wants her, he makes her believe him, he gets bored, and he leaves.

   Glad we finally found OBL. Now can we find the dead beat dads thats dont pay child support or play a role in their kids lives?

   My wife started clipping coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her $3,000 Louis Vuitton purse....

   The one good thing Donald Trump has going for him is that the more he speaks the less ridiculous his hair seems by comparison.

   OMG! It's so cold I think I have ovaries now!!

   "like a mime trapped in a box, you want out, but you cant yell for help. "

   was everyone this worked up when OJ was found innocent

   I'm sick of women who label themselves as a BBW. All of you who say you're a BBW are just Big Bodied Whales. Stop trying to make yourself feel better for being 5'5 and 200 lbs by saying you're a big beautiful woman.

   Sorry U.S. Football/Futball/Soccer team. You just weren't "Ghana" win.

   If I ever get married again, the woman I marry must have worked at Subway at some point in their life. I need to know they have experience making me sammiches. :-)