Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

   I can't make you love me, but I can hold your head underwater until you stop breathing.

   I bought a keyboard thinking that I'd learn to play it, but I lost interest so I'm taking it to the Salvation Army. I figure that now not only am I helping out an aspiring musician but I'm an organ donor as well so I feel twice as good about myself.

   There are two men on opposite sides of the earth. One is on a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is getting oral from an 85-year-old woman. Both are thinking the same thing. What? A. Don't look down.

   Why aren't all of the social justice warriors out helping hurricane victims?! Too soon?!

   America: love it or leave it. L left.

   Friendly Reminder: a woman that hits a man is not a woman, she's a grown up child.

   Mick Jagger a Father again? Really? Has he ever been a father before? I think s p e r m donor would be more appropriate

   Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot. But the Grinch who lived just North of Whoville did not!

   let the President Elect do his thing...The American people will rise up and tell him what they want!

   I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I'm always late, and all the good choices are already taken.

   Her: Make your own snack. Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication. Her: It's an oven not a forklift.

   I have as much interest in golf as I have in golf.

   if I die while I'm in an elevator I hope its while I'm going up not down

   When you just want to lick a midget but there’s too many people around.

   s there ANYONE out there that when they see or hear the name 'Aaron' they don't say out-loud or at least think A-Aron?

   When I was 10 years old, people that had over 50 seemed so old... wreckled... slow... I'm going to have 55 in a month.. it is not that bad! But people in their 90's look so old...

   I now hold it in my hands. Finally. The expressed written consent of the National Football League.

   ..... Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears

   If Republicans didn't insist on upholding their "Proud Tradition of Failure to do their JOB" ... Perhaps this country wouldn't be in such a sad state of affairs. They were elected to do one thing then proceeded to do another ..... SHEESH