Funny Status Messages

   Wife sent me a pic of her new outfit and asked me "if it made her look big?" I texted her back "Nooo" Obviously...but it got auto-corrected to "Moo"

   I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

   My car's GPS allows you to change voices. I tried the one featuring Karen Carpenter. When I try to calculate my arrival time, the only answer she gives is, "We've only just begun."

   For those of you who didn't get the V or the D yesterday, Happy alentine's ay.

   Here's a thought...How do blind people know when to stop wiping?

   Between Peyton Manning with a Super Bowl; Sid the Kid with a Stanley Cup, and Lebron tonight; a lot of haterz died a painful death this year. Kudos to three of the all time greats cementing their legacies!!!

   What's up with all of those Bernie and Hillary for President bumper stickers on the cars at Walmart?

   United we stand divided we fall

   More tragic news out of the music industry. Dr Dre, while being detained by police, was being respectful without a weapon and was not shot and killed.

   Man who punched George Zimmerman in the face charged with being awesome.

   There was no robbery in Rio??? What do you call $10,800 in restitution for a broken bathroom door and a sign of a sandwich?

   Listen to the Native Americans. "You can't drink oil"

   Guess what my doctor said I'm physically fit to become the next president of the United States!

   My Grandpa told me that he saw the Titanic. He said that he knew it was going to sink and he kept trying to tell everybody but they didn't listen. Apparently they eventually refunded his money and asked him to leave the theater.

   I like it thick and deep- Pizza

   I had a cab driver in Paris. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse.

   Being pretty doesn't mean sh!t if you are a ho.

   Crack the whip on yourself but be lenient with others. Unless they're into that sort of thing.

   The 4th Noble Truth: If it has four legs and it's not a table, eat it.

   :If I had a penny for every time someone called me a retard... Well... My sh!t would probably be full of half digested pennies.