Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rememeber your vote does not count if you do not post it on social media.

   If you thought 2020 was bad, wait until 2021 when it's old enough to drink.

   I'm a thirsty guy who digs your timeline pics. I love you and I'd do anything to meet you, although I've never seen you post anything with your pics that would lead me to believe you possess even the slightest semblance of a brain.

   Waiter: Would you like a Chef's Salad, Caesar Salad or Cobb Salad salad with your ribeye? Me: None. I don't eat the food my food eats.

   If you enter into a relationship and discover she has 5 kids and a Yorkshire Terrier, give it up. There's no way you'll ever take precedence over the Yorkie.😛

   Upside: I had a dream that NASCAR teamed up with NASA and came up with a flying car. Downside: It only made left turns.

   I took my wife to the dog show and she won.

   Went to walmart and ask the woman's department attendant if they had maternity dresses. She said yes, what bust? I said the condom.

   I think the toothbrush was invented in England. If it was invented anywhere else it would be called the teethbrush.

   If Tu-Pac and Biggie were still alive Kanye would be folding T-Shirts at Old Navy right now.

   Why is it a man's opinion can be express in a few minutes. Where a woman's opinion takes an hour.

   If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. Oh, wait…

   It’s May 4 soon, the one day of the year when Star Wars fans celebrate being able to use quite possibly the best pun in the world: “May the Fourth be with you”.

   Confucius say: "Wife who keep husband in dog house soon find him in cat house."

   Pizza Guy: "Louie's Pizza. May I take your order? Me: "Is the owl there?" Pizza Guy: "Who, who?" Me: "Lol, that never gets old. Gimme a large all the way."

   I once tried snorting some coke. And I almost drowned my self.

   Ladies, your man is going to do it with you, alone or with someone else so it's your fault if he screws around...

   If two vegans had an argument, is it still beef?

   Trump Winning? Looks like back to the kitchen Hilary, here's your spatula

   I called a crematory to make an appointment, they told me they don't do live customers...