Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Enjoy sitting on my left hand until it goes numb to pretend that someone else is seductively stirring my morning coffee.

   ... DAMMIT ..... Stop the WORLD .... I wanna GET OFF!!!

   TSA moving operations to outside of airport. That must explain the full cavity search I received in my airport hotel room.

   Behind every man is a beautiful woman, shaking her head.

   At anger management classes in Canada, they teach people to apologize less sharply.

   Starting the Independence Day celebration today at work by wearing red, white, & blue and shooting deer from my office window with my AK-47.

   Always have the most fun on the Fourth of July. You don’t have to exchange any gifts. You just go to the beach and watch fireworks.

   Happy Canada day!!!!! 🇨🇦cheers to living in the best country in the world!

   I'm sorry I can't hear you over the sound of my freedom or gunshots....

   Favorite all-time Disney snuff film is "Frying Dory."

   Just realized the definition of the word "word" is made up of many words and now I have a headache.

   Rachel Dolezal celebrated Canada Day by announcing she's a Canadian.

   Call me old fashioned, but leaving a 6 minute drunk voice mail at 3 am is romantic.

   I'm awesome cuz I can do 50 push-ups. Granted not at once and over 57 days.

   If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror-movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore.

   Not saying that I have commitment issues, but my favorite part of Forrest Gump is when he just keeps running.

   What winter jacket brand is best if I'll be spending the months of July and August in the Corporate Office Building?

   "your mother" is my response whenever someone talks to me in a language I dont understand.

   Hold your horses is my favourite thing to say to people who don't even have horses.

   Just ate some oatmeal and cantaloupe for breakfast incase anyone needs a walking buddy at the mall this afternoon.