Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   The American dream is no longer owning your own home. Its moving out of moms.

   That'll teach the bltch to keep the house in the divorce... Before I left, I set 3 white rats free in the house with 1, 2, & 4 written on their backs.

   I wonder if the CEO of Classmates.com cries every time he sees the word "Facebook."

   Just sold a lawn mower on eBay. That will be the last time my neighbor wakes me up on a Saturday morning.

   You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."

   Seriously, how can it be considered stealing when my neighbor's WiFi signal was trespassing in MY house? I'm the victim here!

   Well, it's about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.

   All the landmarks and millions of beautiful places on Google Earth, and the first thing everyone looks at is their own house.

   Chuck-E-Cheese, because it's never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling...

   If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, "In Jesus name, amen,"

   I will never be too old to enjoy driving by a stranger, honking, and waving just to see the confused look on their face and awkward wave back.

   I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "just kidding."

   It's a shame that stupidity can't be converted into a usable energy source.

   I did 26 situps this morning. It's not a lot, but then again how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock?

   Good thing I got this degree, just in case this unemployment thing doesn't work out.

   Don't be stupid, if their ex is still calling its because they're still getting an answer.

   Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.

   My girl told me that her fantasy f*ck would be Brad Pitt. Then she went mental because I told her mine. Apparently Amber from next door wasn't a good answer,

   Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it's my modesty that stands out.

   Reason why I check my voice mail... 5% Because I care about my missed calls, 95% to remove that annoying icon.