Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Crap, I bought a non-shtick pan. Now it does not like my jokes.

   I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card, I said to my mom, look I got a B in Reading, she said to me that's a D you moron!

   Shout out to all my friends who never post, like or say anything on Facebook, You're my heroes! But if you silent friend's could do me one little favor and like just this one status so I'll know your still out there breathing and actually give a damn wha

   Did you ever noticed how much weight a chicken can gain and it never shows on their faces ?

   If a medieval musician had a bicycle, would it be called a Minstrel Cycle?

   I just burnt 550 calories without doing anything. And that's the last time I look at Facebook with pizza in the oven!

   Took a step outside. Whew! Hotter than a Salma Hayek lap dance. I'm going back indoors.

   My Chinese neighbor man was going to cook his wife a surprise birthday dinner last night. But someone let the "cat" out of the bag.

   Ladies, do you like the strong, silent type? Then you'll love my farts.

   ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here! KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

   As a Fat bottomed girl, I'm not sure how we're expected to make the Rockin' world go round. That sounds *way* too much like exercise to me

   Darn I just realized I missed the Grammys again which now makes like 10 years in a row.

   When does Red mean GO and Green means STOP?? Answer: when eating watermelon.

   .... After watching the so called "Sit-In" on the House Floor at the Capitol ... I now realize why they need to have those "Warning: Do not Enter" and "Please don't throw children at the animals" ... signs at the Dangerous Animal exhibits at the zoo.

   The Law & Order dun dun is what men hear when we're asked if we remember what today is.

   The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest

   Visit Britain because it's more fun to end your sentences with "innit?" than "y'know?"

   Go on a romantic walk with her. Run your hands through her hair. Take her out to a nice meal. So what if she's a police horse, who cares?!?!

   Would love to know what gross pizza joint the Ninja Turtles ordered from that they never questioned delivery to a sewer.

   I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant. Related: I've got some balloons for sale.