Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

   me: [using doggie poop bag at park] stranger: nice to see some common courtesy here for once me: yeah wouldn't want anyone to step in it stranger: what's your dog's name me: dog?

   We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and facebook friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone. Orson Welles

   People who give you their attention only when they're lonely or bored... No thank you. I already have a cat.

   Butter should re-name itself, "I Can't Believe It's Not Polysorbate 60, Soy Lecithin, Xanthan Gum and Other Artificial Flavors"

   so many beautiful women I went to high school with are now married to sentient camouflage hats

   If you're wondering what my secret to success is. You can find it under Facebooks settings then scrolling down to where it says deactivate account.

   I'm no scientist, but wouldnt fat bottomed girls, if anything, slow the rocking world down?

   I grew up living paycheck to Paycheck but through hard work and perseverance, I now live Direct Deposit to Direct Deposit.

   I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that literally types whatever I say punctuation point

   "I'm going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt" -Men over 50.

   Pretty cool that there's no law saying you can't name your kid Squidward if you want.

   My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

   Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He's gonna help out around the office. *Monkey flinging office equipment out the window* Brian hates clutter.

   Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

   computer: enter password me: mypulloutgame computer: password weak all 8 of my kids: daddy why are you crying

   seems to care less about trees when I'm drying my hands in a public bathroom.

   You kids complain about everthing.....You want to know how bad I had it? I'm so old the "Diaper Man" used to come to our house to take the sh#tty diapers away and bring back "clean ones" that really some other kid had sh it in!

   Next year I want me some Pilgrims and Indians at my Thanksgiving meal. I'm tired of this family experience.

   it doenst matter where you click on the ad you will step on the roach