Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   today I'll be celebrating MLK day...I'm going to sleep in late & have a dream

   Did I miss the Superbowl again? Darn that's like 20 years in a row.

   Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

   My account has hacked, but if you receive an inappropriate message, it was probably still me.

   direct deposit: $1400 me at Nike: you do it.

   I'm wondering...did Bruce Jenner get a father's day gift on father's day, a mother's day gift on Mother's day, or gifts on both days? If he gets gifts on both days, then this all makes sense now.

   Hillary should be indicted. Trump will do something where he should be indicted. We're screwed. Eat Oreos.

   Just how can these folks afford to buy all of these weapons and ammunition while on Welfare and Food Stamps anyways? Last I checked those items really don't qualify for Food Stamp Purchases.

   If you love Jesus more than your husband then start praying the next time you need a jar open.

   Half the world is in a race war and the other half is running around catching Pokemon with their phones, and I'm just sitting here on my couch waiting for football season.

   I think an eye doctor should run for president in 2020 with the slogan "a perfect vision"

   Monica Lewinsky was asked if this was Bill Clinton's best speech ever. She said, "Close but no cigar".

   Women that wear blue eyeshadow have a Motel 6 shower cap in their purse.

   The Donald is gonna have to learn how to Duck.

   The Story Of Milk: Good milk. Bad milk. Disgusting milk. Dangerous milk. Cheese! I love a happy ending.

   Q: How do you think the unthinkable? A: With an itheberg.

   Apparently 2016 is the year every amusement park ride was set to expire and fall apart mid-ride with people on it.

   What U-Haul really means is: U-Cheap. U-Won’t Pay for Movers. U-Bribed Your Friends with Pizza to Help.

   So, if a $3.50 cheeseburger has 350 calories, 2 of them for $5 only has 500 calories, right?

   hope the next presidential debate starts with a handshake, instead of Trump grabbing Hillary by.........