Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas needs to be less commercialized so remember whose birthday it is.

   I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

   My dad called and said my mom accidentally took one of his men's vitamins. I go, "Yeah, so?" He said she's been bugging him to take her to Hooters but she won't let him Google the directions.

   I very much doubt God wants you to hate anyone.

   to finish below status, to be born in Kenya but it wasnt socialist enough.

   A 17-year-old whose death was initially linked to the novel coronavirus despite not having any previously reported health conditions was denied treatment at a California medical facility. Very Commie of them.

   Looks like I’m going to have to buy toilet paper. That brush next to the toilet hurts.

   If your blow up doll develops a runny nose, she is not COVID positive; she's full.

   I broke up with my girlfriend. She has leprosy and I got tired of picking up after her.

   I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

   [listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

   A Girl commented on my post, a guy replied, she replied again n they were abt 2 fall in Love so I deleted d post.

   Raisins are the Cougar of Grapes

   HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner? ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.

   If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

   Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.

   I can't be the only one who’s first instinct when a fly lands on their computer screen is to try to scare it with the cursor.

   Taco Bell: You need to loosen up. Stools: OK!

   A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.

   A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”