Funny Status Messages

   Show me on your selfie where he hurt you.

   My wife gives great head...ache.

   Till - when we get bored with each other and what used to be cute now makes us feel homicidal rage - do us part

   ving a PT Cruiser says, "I made a 25 thousand dollar mistake in 2002."

   If you rim your margarita glass with pink Himalayan Salt it becomes health food right?

   I used to have an attitude problem. I broke up with her about a year ago.

   Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.

   The first rule of chess club: If you've ever seen a boob you're the hero of chess club.

   Tried Gordon Ramseys diet tip tonight: cooking with whisky! It worked!!! After 5 glasses, I forgot why I was in the kitchen

   I don't know about Todd's wife being fridged, but her snatch must be giant, cause I swear, his post had an echo!

   If you want to bore your friends to death, this is the right place to get your material.

   Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?

   Weird that we don't see more pants on fire

   I swear while 50% of the human race is evolving the other 50% is devolving.

   My call is important to them, my time isn't.

   A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

   Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.

   Whenever I see a tweet written in arabic or something I star and retweet it just for fun. Now the FBI wants to talk to me.

   These feelings would go well with vodka.

   My cat sucks at staring contests!