Funny Status Messages
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Mondays are like a dry hand job. Hurts during, feels good when it's over... 
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook....yes, I'll hold"....
Boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD'?" Granny replies, "Bugger the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"
Science Fact: If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die
The iPhone checks my Facebook, checks my email, organizes my music, calls my Mom, and now it tracks my whereabouts? It's like having a jealous psycho girlfriend in your pocket.
it me or does Harry look like the bully from A Christmas Story?
I want to be a pharmacist. Just so I can yell "Now take your suppositories and shove'em straight up your a$$!"
Changed your status to complicated? Can't decide which hand to use?
Teacher: You failed the test! Me: You failed to educate me.
NASCAR in Kentucky, I have not seen this many rednecks fired up about something since RedMan started using resealable pouches.
I bet Chick-fil-A is disappointing to a cannibal...misleading at best...
Whats the difference between a peeping tom and a pickpocket? A pickpocket snatches watches......
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the 'S'
put a number on it by looking up the route on a fare-finding site….So it would've cost Will Smith about $8,356.96 to get from West Philly to Bel-Air!! Dang Uncle Phil was really loaded then!!!
Mirror: You look amazing. Camera: I don't think so... Friends: Hey you, someone looks beautiful! Self-esteem: You're ugly.
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks....... To.the alligators
"Happy last earth day" ~ Mayans
"The View" is pointless. Those ladies need to stop talking about politics and start passing around sandwich recipes.
My only argument with using the treadmill,, is that I can't run away from my farts.
Oral sex is a beautiful way to say good night. 