Funny Status Messages
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Men have nuts and women are nuts. God is so silly... 
Sometimes your the windshield sometimes your the bug, but every now and then ya get to be a big effin rock and smash that windshield!!
"Almost" and the "same" are almost the same thing!
's going on vacation and coming back on probation.
U Can't Touch This. Well he didn't say that when the IRS took his money!
Back before clocks and calendars I bet people used wonder why one day out of seven always sucked
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'
Do I wake up grumpy in the morning? Nope. I just let her sleep
- I saw an article in a magazine titled, "10 ways to make your wife come".........I didn't bother reading it though...... I'm too f***ing busy searching for 1 way to make her go......
it me or is Tosh.0 the greatest freaking show since Flavor of Love???...
Yes Officer, I do know why you pulled me over. To single-handedly destroy any chance I had of accomplishing my New Years Resolution goal of becoming a Saint before the sun even came up this morning.
gonna get some gold in my mouth, turn my hat sideways
I flirt with you it doesn't mean I'm interested, it just means I'm awake
•Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs?”
thinking.. Don't you hate it when you are having a great memory about a fantastic adventure you had as a kid and then you realise it was actually an episode of "Leave it to Beaver " ??
In America, you will eventually have a President that used to play Pokemon as a child. Scary.
We can put a man on the moon. Create a device the cooks food in minutes if not seconds. We have GPS and smart phones. But we can't even cure the common cold??
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
just saw a sign on a church that read, "Don't give up. Moses was a basket case too." LOL!
thinks that a couch in a nudist colony has to smell like ass. 