Funny Status Messages
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Having children is like being at a never-ending press conference: "No, you can't get an iPod Touch - next question." "Yes, I know how to do the Cat Daddy - next question." "No, Disneyland is not economically viable at this time - next question." 
Many admit to being fools for love. But only Foghat had the guts to admit to being fools for the city
Humpty Dumpty now has a facebook page....Didn't he learn the first time to stay away from walls?
How to make a fire easy... 1. Get a bunch of sticks and arrange them in a pyramid. 2. Put rocks around the sticks in a circle. 3. Wave your RIGHT hand over the sticks in a circular motion and say "Wakaaa...Flockaaa...FLAME!"
If you're a man and shave your legs I hope you're ok with being called a pre-op transsexual. P.S. I don't care if you enjoy swimming
made a suggestion to Google Translate for "English to Ghetto".
*Food hits ground* Germ: “GET IT!!!” King germ: “No, you have to wait at least 5 seconds!”
A smart ass is someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is.
Got my new Ghetto Book: 50 Shades of Cray Cray. It's just a picture book with women b!tching.
Shut the hell up and do me. - How arguments should end.
If you were dying of thirst in the desert, I wouldn't let you drink my urine.
Today's Joke! A Girl said …….. TRUST ME
The real victims of the NBA lockout are tattoo parlors and rape defense attorney's.
It's drizzy outside, expect a Lil Wayne.
So...if yesterday was Black Friday, and today is Broke Saturday, then tomorrow must be Return everything Sunday?
Kim Kardashian says her divorce was like beating cancer. In archived footage, Kim can be seen beating and blowing a 12 inch cancer.
What Birds always stick together? Velcrows
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
My wife said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I don't understand women.
Hi, I'm Tom Bodet for Motel 6. We'll leave the LYSOL. 