Funny Status Messages
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My middle finger gets horny every time it sees you. 
Fake Love: Her: Good morning love of my life, beat of my heart. Him: God morning sunshine, reason I live. True Love: Her: coffee if you want it. Him: Ehhhh.
Today... I'm opening up a Battered Shrimp Shelter... in my stomach.
Apparently, people go to "sex rehab" because there isn't a "got busted being stupid" rehab!
If a tomato is a fruit, does that make ketchup a smoothie
Most husbands often fantasize about Googling their Twitter on their wife's Facebook. Married reality for me is that she wont even look at Myspace anymore.
Why is it when someone is under water on TV, I hold my breath also?
any questions asked while I am counting out scoops of coffee will be answered with louder counting
Why is it that when your not supposed to laugh everything is HILARIOUS?
really dont like joggers.. watch the news isnt it a lil suspicious they are always the ones who find the bodies
Dear person next to me in class, -->PLEASE WRITE BIGGER<-- Sincerely, didn't study.
God grant me the serenity to accept that My Kids will always Drive me Crazy; courage to change their evil ways when I can; and wisdom to know When to walk away So I Wont ring Their neck
Was told to set an example. So I picked to be a bad example
Eskimos supposedly have 52 words for snow. That's weird, so does Charlie Sheen.
Does this 'I Beat Anorexia' T-Shirt make me look fat?
A new survey found that 25 percent of Americans will spend less on Halloween this year because of the government shutdown's effect on the economy. Which explains that new party game — “Bobbing for Ramen Noodles.”
Stuck in a meeting? Just start yelling Omaha! Then grab your papers and run out of there.
When people hurt you, think of them like a sand paper. They may scratch and hurt you but in the end, you end up polished & they end up useless.
The Black Lady on the Pine-Sol commercial told me to disinfect the thing I touch the most... ...this is going to sting a bit.
Call me traditional, but marriage should stay between a woman afraid of being alone & a man who finally caves after years of her pressure 