Funny Status Messages
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I found my boss eating peanuts the other day and I shouted.... "Why are you eating my salary?" And surprisingly, we laughed together.... Then he fired me...!! 
*bursts through door while i’m using the bathroom* ARE YOU STILL WATCHING?!
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life? Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Fun Fact: The Simpsons are 31 years old. They made their first debut 4/19/87 on the Tracey Ullman show.
Nothing like an old high school crush finding you & friending you on Facebook because he needs cows or some crap for Farmville
Ever stare dumbfoundingly at someone wondering how they ever had an opportunity to actually procreate?
[lava kids playing in a volcano] "the floor is linoleum!"
Sometimes I watch football holding an X-Box controller just to confuse people.
I identify as being "rich", but when the check comes, I'm identified as "not being so".
The joke's on you, internet cookies. I clicked that ad you keep showing by accident!
Neymar has great potential to become a Hollywood star for performing art.
Why is it so hard to get the sticky label off of a new non-stick frying pan?
My bar buddy ask me have you ever made a decison without knowing all the information you needed to know? I said sure I have..... I got married.
Eating yogurt doesn't make you cultured.
He wiped away her tears and accidentally her eyebrows too!
I'm holding cheerleader try outs for my "Fantasy football team". Full outfits are encourage but not necessary.
HEY, I wrote the manual on ADD….
Well, it's not actually a manual.
It's only 3 sentences….
The rest is a drawing of a giant space robot eating a skyscraper made of muffins.
Does a white man using chopsticks to eat count as cultural appropriation?
Show up JUST ONCE at the office wearing a grey jumpsuit and a hockey mask and they ask you to NEVER COME BACK!!!
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up 