Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That moment when my wife snooping around on my phone and accidently FB live recorded herself. when confronted she still claims it wasnt her... priceless

   it's the time of year agian to get a lot of fruit cakes...now I cant wait for them to leave & go back to their own homes

   If you wait until your 30s to donate your eggs, they'll say no & tell you to find another way to finance your kitchen remodel.

   R.I.P. Jason Seaver

   SCORE!!! .... I just bought my wife a 20 pound bag of Diamonds for Christmas......well they're diamonds in the rough....Well ... maybe EARLY stage diamonds...... but with enough time and pressure......they will be diamonds......Thanks Kingsford !

   Evidently Cheering and doing play by play while my wife is wrapping presents wasn't the help she was looking for.

   OK... I think it's time for 2016 to die before any more good people do....

   I was going to leave my body to science but science is already contesting the will and I'm not even dead yet. FML.

   I just called BS but it went straight to voicemail.

   would it be OK to repeal and replace my EX ??

   The most impoprtant thing I have learned about parenthood is many times my parents must have come close to child murder.

   "Turn right at the next corner and your destination shall be on your left. But dwell not upon the destination, for it is the journey which is important." - Zen GPS

   Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right and the other is the husband.

   Have a system for making long distance phone calls. The family and friends plan. I go to a friends house and use their phone to call my family.

   wants to apologize to everyone about the blue moon but hey, I'm auditioning for the Avatar sequels and it's your damn fault for peeping through my window!

   If you drink too much at a bar, don't waste money on a cab. Instead, walk to the nearest Domino's and order a pizza to deliver to your house. Then ask the delivery guy if you can ride along with him.

   After trying it doggie style I can't face my wife again.

   Went to an amature talent show and saw a topless ventriloquist. I didn't see her lips move once.

   I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano

   I'm pretty apathetic, so I'm getting a tattoo that says "Shrug Life"