Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Salad? You mean crunchy sadness?

   I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

   Ok, I've never thought much of Hugh Hefner, but you have to appreciate the irony. The creator of Playboy expires on a Wednesday-Hump Day.

   Me and Hugh Hefner had a lot in common................we both owned more than one bathrobe.

   Allow me to demonstrate how I feel. *throws agitated cat in your face*

   My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I'm dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

   Living in a nudist colony, takes all the fun out of Halloween.

   How to save money this Halloween. Place an empty bowl out with a sign in it. "I don't share my candy. Go away!"

   Cant, made plans to have insomnia again tonight.

   Okay so plus size is in. That lets me out. I'm calculus size.

   Wreird AirBNB Listing: Stay for FREE in 3 room luxurous home. However if owners return unexpectedly please vacate immediately.

   Am I the only one who thinks it's crazy Angry Birds got a movie before Zelda or Halo?

   I can't run from my problems because I am out of shape.

   Breaking News -- Family Guy's Quagmire loosely based on a young Bill Crosby.

   Worst Wedding Processional Song: Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats"

   When I want the entire beach to myself on Father's Day, I wear a Speedo.

   Day 781 of P90X: I carry my car to work everyday.

   Mrs Browns Lovely daughter must have a lovely daughter of her own by now shouldn't she ?

   Bad Inspirational Quote: Life's like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get - like anaphylactic shock for unlisted nuts.

   If anyone goes to a house without a dog or WiFi, should you wonder how many people are buried in their yard?