Funny Status Messages

   The chest burst scene from Alien, but just me leaving work.

   Many yard sales happening here today, some hard to distinguish from "we had a fight so I threw his stuff out the window onto the lawn."

   You don't know a woman unless you understand what she's not saying to U.

   You would be amazed how little you can trust people these days...

   This ponytail isn't gonna pull itself... ...are we flirting yet.

   Ladies; Be Careful about listening to Oprah's relationship advice especially considering she is a billionaire and most of you are either still living with your parents or are perpetually broke.

   You don't know me. And I don't know you. Woah! We have lot in common.

   Sometimes I have trouble coming to terms with my crazy. Then I drink about it, and it all works out.

   You know how drivers convicted of DUI have those breathalyzer ignition locks? Some people need this for their smartphones, facebook, twitter, etc.

   What a loser I must be, I didn't even qualify to take a freaking free survey

   It's not that I'm so smart , it's just that I stay with problems longer

   The definition of a consultant: Someone who borrows your watch, tells you the time and then charges you for the privilege

   thinks reality is a nice place to live, but sometimes feels like relocating

   why were the uruguayains yellow carded so much in the match against korea , coz they kept running over the parks

   Once you've resolved to stop Googling yourself, the Internet really doesn't have much to offer.

   Any views which are expressed and any similarity of persons portrayed to any actual persons living or dead in the following status message is purely incidental...

   New Word: Procrastibation - Needing to do something important like laundry, but decide that getting off is more important!

   Figures, the only time the world beat a path to my door and I am taking a crap in the bathroom..

   So, I guess the FDA has approved the "week-after" pill - the perfect remedy for those not so skilled at time/pants management.

   He who laughs last, thinks slowest.