Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pro Tip: Apply common sense for best results.

   raisins....nonalcoholic box of wine

   Woke up to the sound of gunfire this morning. Luckily, my wife is not a good shot.

   if I had a time machine id just keep going back to sleep

   Tonight the Mrs and I are having Netflix and Hide from adult responsibilities

   Instead of bashing what you hate, try smashing what you love.

   "Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name!" said no hungry man ever.

   If my wife finds out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she'd hit the roof.

   There are days when I just want to hear her voice. Then I remember what a nut job psycho she was...

   From the smell of things, people should be more concerned with underwear change than climate change.

   Social Justice Crowd: Irma's not my hurricane!

   Whenever I see signs on Social Media that read, "I stand with PP" I secretly think, "I stand while I pee-pee but I don't feel the need to broadcast that information.”

   But Officer, I wasn't tailgating. I was drafting.

   Life has to be about more than just solving problems

   My wife is losing it, she told me she was seeing someone behind my back. But when I turn around there wasn't anyone there.

   It's been 10 years since I was in school. But every day the school bully still takes my lunch money........ He works at Mc. Donalds.

   How does the Hamburglar introduce his girlfriend....... Meet Patty.

   Face off was probably the worst movie we watched as kids. Imagine believing Nicolas Cage’s wrist size face could fit on John Travolta’s massive head.

   The coffee's not cutting it this morning. So please help me activate those "Feel Good" dopamine chemicals in my brain by liking this status. Thanks!

   I find you're total lack of ambition is inspiring.